Most of us grew up with our dads away at work all day, and our moms at home cleaning and cooking. These traditional roles told us that mothers were the caretakers and fathers were the providers and in the event of a divorce, the children almost always lived with their mother and visited their father on weekends.
My oh my - have times changed! More families today have two working parents, which requires sharing of parental responsibilities. Even in families where the mothers stay home, today's fathers are far more involved with their children than most of our fathers were.
The reality is, however, that all parents offer different parenting styles. And that doesn't change (and perhaps escalates) during and after a divorce. Children, believe it or not, learn to maximize their parents' battle over who parents better. As a result, the non-threatening differences in parenting style turns into global warfare, with your children often masterminding the attacks for their own gain. It can be very hard to accept the good qualities of your ex-spouse and put into perspective the less-than-favorable qualities when going through a divorce. It is imperative, however, that you maintain your focus on your child's welfare and view your spouse as a father, not a husband. It is also difficult to hear your ex-spouse's perspective on your child's needs and not feel like you're feeling personally attacked, belittled or judged.
In my 16 years of experience practicing in family law, and my 12 years of being a parent (which is significantly harder than being a lawyer!), I have found the key to successful parenting is communication, acceptance and experimentation. Communication is obvious - you must share and hear each other's opinions and concerns. You must accept the facts - you make mistakes, your spouse makes mistakes and your kids make mistakes. As far as experimentation, this can be the most difficult to embrace.
Rather continuing to try to prove you're the better parent, consider experimenting with different arrangements and schedules. As summertime approaches, you can be more flexible in planning time spent with dad. You can give your child the opportunity to adjust to living in two homes or spending time with only one parent at a time without having to worry about how the adjustment may affect academics.
Give dad the opportunity to pack lunches for the day; get the kids to and from camp; and deal with dinners, showers, play dates and meltdowns. Oh, and he'll have to manage his own sanity, too. Parenting is a work in progress. It's a school of learning that we never graduate from.
The best gift to give your child is the love of both parents. It is worth trying different schedules and giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt that he, like you, wants what's best for your child. When you both can accept and communicate then your custody and parenting arrangement will fall into place.
Parenting is not easy. Parenting when divorcing, separated or divorced, can be even harder. We owe it to our children to do our best to try everything possible to give them love and stability from both of their parents.